[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.