Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You got this…
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.