A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Just a phase…
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old