Lube but for my dry humor.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.