when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had