Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it