Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.