Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My typo game is string.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.