I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.