My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.