“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
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[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do