Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?