My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
you stereotypes are all alike
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters