If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day