The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?