“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.