VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future