Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
some things should go without saying
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.