I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!