“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
You Might Also Like
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”