I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
LMAO
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box