Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
You Might Also Like
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
what’s more important?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st