There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
become ungovernable
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.