why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Bringing home a sharpie
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”