Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet