if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.