Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
no
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me