went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
let’s discuss
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband