A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.