An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
wut hotdog?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.