Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning