You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
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Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
what kind of cook setting is this??
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!