dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You Might Also Like
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?