(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
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It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.