Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.