My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.