Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
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Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Who’s your best friend?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Finally!
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.