Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.