Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.