Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time