All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour