I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
You Might Also Like
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
my dad has had enough
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?