I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.