I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
You Might Also Like
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]