The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Velcrow
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.