I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
oppen heimer style lol
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
WWE is French for “yes”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Sorry. Not sorry
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.