There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.