When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”