I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
You Might Also Like
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…