If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Any refunds available?…
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.